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ask-a-liberal
The Ask A Liberal column is your opportunity to ask some of our greatest liberal minds burning questions and for them to be extremely sarcastic, ironic and generally, humorous. Yes, this column is satire. With that said and speaking of Generals, we have allowed the right wing blogosphere an opportunity to respond to what is happening here and that's no joke. Enjoy!

Ask a Liberal

03/30/08

What is Ask A Liberal?

By SEDER

The Ask A Liberal column is your opportunity to ask some of our greatest liberal minds burning questions and for them to be extremely sarcastic, ironic and generally, humorous.

05/16/08

Mr. Medved's Science

By Gen. JC Christian
Mr. Medved's Science

Dear General Christian,

Have conservatives completely abandoned science? Why aren't there any great conservative evolutionary theorists or climate scientists.

Doc in Draper

Dear Doc,

I'm surprised you aren't familiar with the work Michael Medved's been doing in eugenics. Why just this week, he published a paper on America's genetic greatness in the prestigious Townhall on-line journal.

According to Medved, America is great because we carry the genes of ancestors who had the courage to risk everything in order to better their lives. That's why they came here.

He also points out that black people don't have these genes because their ancestors were slaves. According to Mr. Medved, that's why we have racial tensions; their genes can't compete.
05/13/08

Operation Chaos !

By An Asked Liberal

Hey Lib,

OPERATION CHAOS, BABY! IN YOUR
FACE! YES!! 

Triumphant in Tipton, IN 

Dear Triumphant,

Please remember to phrase your
question as a question. Though I can see how your command of such niceties
would get lost in your passion for the caps key. If I can infer a request
for information in your message, it would be something along the lines
of “Dear Liberal, do you think Rush Limbaugh’s ‘Operation Chaos’
is having any effect?” 

For bloviator-averse readers,
Rush Limbaugh’s Operation Chaos involves Republicans registering as
Democrats and voting for Hillary Clinton to prolong the nomination battle.
The fact that the prolonged battle has led to millions of real Democratic
Party registrants is not factored into his equation.  Rush recently
said he now prefers that Barack Obama be the nominee—a conclusion
reached suspiciously soon after Barack Obama became the all-but-certain
nominee.  

05/12/08

Morally Upright

By Cliff Schecter
Dear Mr. Liberal,

How can you attack John McCain for being a panderer when he has taken such a strong position on the evil of abortion?

Sincerely,

Morally Upright


Dearly Morally Uptight…I mean Upright,

Thank you for such a well-thought out inquiry. There is only one problem. John McCain has taken more positions than exist in the Karma Sutra. He was against abortion for a while. Then he was for it in 1999, when he told CNN and The San Francisco Chronicle that overturning Roe v. Wade would force women into "dangerous operations." Then he was against it, but thought it was ok in cases where a woman was the victim of rape or incest.

And now, in what an only be described as a Full McCain, he has abandoned that position to kiss up to the Preacher Men who run his party. The only question is when he shoots the commercial on the aircraft carrier to declare his party has won the most important war, the one against women who think they have a right to control their bodies, or something.
05/09/08

The Southern Strategy: it's not just for Republicans anymore

By Gen. JC Christian
(ed. note- The General is one of the right wing blogosphere's most prominent voices, we offer him here to you for the sake of fairness and balance.)
The Southern Strategy: it's not just for Republicans anymore

Dear General,

I've noticed that a lot of Republicans have been voting in the Democratic primaries lately. Rush Limbaugh is taking credit for it, claiming he's been turning out the vote for Clinton in an effort exacerbate tensions within the Democratic party. What do you think about that?

David in Deweyville
David,
That's a great question. It allows me to write about the most exciting development in the campaign, Sen. Clinton's decision to pander to people like me.

I hate to disagree with Rush, but I think there is a different dynamic at play here, Sen. Clinton's recent reversion to old school Democratic values--and by "old school" I mean George Wallace in 1964 Democratic values. You see, Nixon's Southern Strategy isn't just for Republicans anymore.

Finally, for the first time in over forty years, a Democratic candidate is pandering to people just like me, "cracker dads," and that's flattering as hell. If I were French, I'd even go so far as to call it "empowering."
05/04/08

What the hell...?

By An Asked Liberal

Hey Lib,

What the hell is wrong with
you people? 

Contemptuous in Aberdeen, SD 

 

Dear Contemptuous,

Good question! I assume you’re
referring to the penchant for self-doubt, hesitancy, and endless dithering
that is currently preventing us from selecting a presidential candidate.
We fully realize that we are given to paralyzing paroxysms of over-analysis.
We go over it in our heads constantly. I’m tempted to go on, but the
point is made. Conservatives, not being as given to contemplation, tend
to get more things done. What they do is generally wrong but that’s
another point altogether.  

But there’s a price to be
paid for our introspective dawdling. Your candidate is now rounding
third base while we debate who our pitcher should be. I’m aware that
makes no sense in the context of an actual baseball game. We’re no
better at sports analogies than we are at quick action.  

We’re like a planet of flustered,
vacillating beings whose inability to commit to a course of action dooms
us to an endless cycle of hand-wringing and disillusion. We’re not
much as a political party, but we’d make a hell of a Star Trek episode.
All we need is Captain Kirk to beam in and show us how a Federation
starship captain would handle our problems. After he makes love to our
women, of course.  

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