LISTEN: Jack Rice, Boobie Custodian

There’s a new development in the saga of Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California who you may recall got lots of attention this summer after telling Miss USA pagaent judges she opposes same sex marriage. Prejean was stripped of her crown shortly thereafter--pagaent organizers said it was because she failed to fulfill her responsibilities, but she said it was because of her stance on gay marriage.

Well Prejean and the pagaent people are still going at it. Now the producers are suing her. Why? Because they fronted more than five thousand dollars so that she could get a breast enlargement, and she hasn’t paid the money back. Meanwhile she says the organizers violated her privacy by revealing that she got the implants in the first place.

Clearly, this has turned ugly. And no matter which side you agree with, you can probably tell there’s a lot of greed here, a lot of dueling egos on all sides. And when there’s that much rhetoric, sometimes the defenseless get caught in the middle, with nobody to speak for them. That’s why today, Jack Rice is applying to become the legal guardian and custodian for the boobies.

Often in a custody case, each minor has their own guardian, but since the boobies in question are twins, it seems reasonable to say that they have similar interests.

So what are those interests?

Well, the boobies want a stable home, which means we must ask Ms. Prejean to cease and desist all jogging, immediately. The boobies want a warm and supportive home, which was clearly lacking in the bikini Ms. Prejean chose to wear at the Miss USA pagaent.

And the boobies want privacy. The topless photos that Ms. Prejean took with her former boobies show a serious lack of modesty and judgement. How are we to know that she won’t do it again? The defenseless should not be pawns in some profit-making scheme. These boobies are NOT here for your enjoyment!

We need to find a secure home for them, where they have the opportunity to pull themselves up by their bra straps. Which brings us to the issue of custody. Who should take on the all important role of molding and shaping these wards? Every Tom, Dick and Harry with access to the internet? We think not.

Truth is, not many people out there are qualified. You need someone who understands the legal implications of all this…Jack Rice is an attorney. You need someone with discretion…Jack was in the CIA. And you need someone who is comfortable with saline…Jack has contact lenses.

Clearly, Jack Rice is the only person fit for the job. We rest our case.