Hey Lib,

What the hell is wrong with
you people? 

Contemptuous in Aberdeen, SD 

 

Dear Contemptuous,

Good question! I assume you’re
referring to the penchant for self-doubt, hesitancy, and endless dithering
that is currently preventing us from selecting a presidential candidate.
We fully realize that we are given to paralyzing paroxysms of over-analysis.
We go over it in our heads constantly. I’m tempted to go on, but the
point is made. Conservatives, not being as given to contemplation, tend
to get more things done. What they do is generally wrong but that’s
another point altogether.  

But there’s a price to be
paid for our introspective dawdling. Your candidate is now rounding
third base while we debate who our pitcher should be. I’m aware that
makes no sense in the context of an actual baseball game. We’re no
better at sports analogies than we are at quick action.  

We’re like a planet of flustered,
vacillating beings whose inability to commit to a course of action dooms
us to an endless cycle of hand-wringing and disillusion. We’re not
much as a political party, but we’d make a hell of a Star Trek episode.
All we need is Captain Kirk to beam in and show us how a Federation
starship captain would handle our problems. After he makes love to our
women, of course.  

We’re a dog tethered to the
tree of our own doubt, and we circle it until we’ve got the whole
chain hopelessly wrapped around the tree trunk. We can only stare forlornly
at our out-of-reach food dish and hope that our inaction will ultimately
be vindicated by your wrong actions.    

That’s the long answer. If
I could give you a short answer then that wouldn’t be what the hell
is wrong with us, now would it? 

Sincerely,

Frederick Douglas Trotsky-Goldman