Dear Mr. Liberal,

How can you attack John McCain for being a panderer when he has taken such a strong position on the evil of abortion?

Sincerely,

Morally Upright

Dearly Morally Uptight…I mean Upright,

Thank you for such a well-thought out inquiry. There is only one problem. John McCain has taken more positions than exist in the Karma Sutra. He was against abortion for a while. Then he was for it in 1999, when he told CNN and The San Francisco Chronicle that overturning Roe v. Wade would force women into "dangerous operations." Then he was against it, but thought it was ok in cases where a woman was the victim of rape or incest.

And now, in what an only be described as a Full McCain, he has abandoned that position to kiss up to the Preacher Men who run his party. The only question is when he shoots the commercial on the aircraft carrier to declare his party has won the most important war, the one against women who think they have a right to control their bodies, or something.

To summarize, here is what you need to do so you can get beyond your ass-first atavistic ways and think like a being evolved beyond walking with knuckle support: 1) Stop the excessive masturbation; 2) Read a challenging book, you know, like My Pet Goat; 3) No more turbo-masturbation!; 4) No more Oxycontin Specials (also known as Limbaugh Specials or Electoral Fixers); 5) Don't go on any more weekend cruises with writers for The Corner; 6) Seriously, get your hands out of your pants, what are you a Bonobo!?!

If you have any further questions, please consult the McCain Bible: The Real McCain. It was written by some leftist jackass who actually researched the guy for a year.

Cheers,

Mr. Liberal